cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
