i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
