pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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