hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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