I can text with my tongue
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
