also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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