New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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