I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
All the doctor said was why
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
