No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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