Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize