I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize