I am midnight drunk by noon
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
