just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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