it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
this beer tastes like vomit already
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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