Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We need to get me chipped asap
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
