glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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