I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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