dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
