Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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