It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
