You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
