and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
