I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
