sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize