She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
