Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize