dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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