Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
