Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize