I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
