I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
