There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
