I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
