You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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