Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
