My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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