I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
