that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
