in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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