I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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