Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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