i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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