Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is wine microwaveable?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
