Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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