I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
