I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
