I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize