My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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