Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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