I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
