I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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