Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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