No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
