I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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