Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize