i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I've blown a few things in my day
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
