he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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