She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
