So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
