this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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