Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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