Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
