I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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