literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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