Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
