hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
