My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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