So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
