Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
what day is it and did you see me today?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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