It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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