life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
