Cold hands, warm shart.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
