Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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