everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
